You Might Be A Marine Mammal Scientist If....

Hi All [three of you]. I’ve been a horrible slacker lately and not updated anything. Part of this has to do with the fact that I’ve been working on a fairly cool project that’s almost ready for submission to a peer-reviewed journal, just waiting for my advisers to get some feedback to me… Once that's ready I look forward to sharing it here. In the meantime I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a marine mammal scientists, which I guess I should classify myself as since I’ve been unsuccessful in procuring gainful employment with any other species.

Personally, I’ve been interested in whales since I was a kid and have been privileged enough to have been born into a family that both pushed me in school and helped me, to the best of their abilities, pay for university. I’ve also been fortunate enough to have been supported by some great schools along the and by even better mentors (to whom I’m eternally grateful to). Anyway, for the last (eherm) 13 odd years I’ve been studying or working in the marine mammal field almost exclusively. Over that time I’ve noticed some interesting “particularities” and, dare I say it, bias among the marine mammal researchers. Some of these quirks are quite entertaining and others considerably less so. I’ve compiled them in a list of Jeff Foxworthy-esque statements. I hope you enjoy.

You might be a marine mammal biologist if:

If you’ve been reminded not to discuss whale necropsies at the dinner table.



You can’t watch kids movies without physically cringing at the inaccurate depictions of marine mammals.

You secretly love or loved the Free Willy but will never, ever publicly admit it.

You’ve spent one or more summer’s doing someone else’s work for “college credit” or “a great experience”.

You make your schedule two years in advance to make sure you are able to go to the marine mammal biennial.

You went to SeaWorld as a kid but now follow at least two anti-captivity organizations on Facebook

You’ve been reminded not to discuss whale necropsies at the breakfast table

You’ve called your student loan agency and asked them if you could trade in your degree(s) for the money you owe them.

You’ve been reminded not to discuss necropsies on public transport.

You've not yet met the minimum qualifications (4 year degree, previous experience, willingness to work in extreme conditions) for many volunteer positions.

You haven’t stopped giggling at the fact that “balaenoptera acutorostrata” rhymes with “hakuna matata”

You’ve seriously doubted the viability of kids, family, relationship because the few available jobs require moving internationally (at your own expense) and or surviving off 3 month contracts.

You can identify 5 different whale species from half a mile by the shape of their blow.

You’ve never learned to negotiate job offers because you’re are stoked to be offered anything with a pay check

You understand why Linnaeus had a sense of humour when he named blue whales.

You are white.

Your boss is white.

Your boss is male, or recently started in their position.

You are stoked to get an n of 6.

You have several diplomatic answers ready to deploy at any time to address questions relating to whether or not species XXX is in communication with star YYY/ anything to do with inter-species ESP/ what the whales are “really” singing about.

Your forehead is sore from facepalming at all the times humpback whale song is played in conjunction with any marine mammal species.

After devoting no less than 8 years of your life to full time post-secondary study, you realize that you will never be as financially stable as the person who started working at the bank/construction business/used car lot right out of high school.

You find threading things through cuntlines surprisingly satisfying

You know the previous statement isn’t dirty.

You’ve been reminded not to discuss necropsies at weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs and christenings.

Funny right? Maybe not. And to be fair some things are improving, at least in terms of gender equality. The Sea Mammal Research Unit, in St Andrews Scotland is currently headed by an extremely competent woman and I can name several researchers off the top of my head that are doing quality, relevant research and also happen to be female. But to say that things are equal is a disservice to the people who have strived to get us this far. Similarly the amount of capital required to qualify for a volunteer job is quite insane. 2-4 years of college education, previous experience? Not only is this reducing the qualified pool of applicants for any job (volunteer or other) it disproportionately impacts young-adults from low income families. Those families, more often than not, tend to be minority and or single parent. It shouldn't be that way; science should not be a career option for the wealthy only. We, as a society, need to have a hard think about how to address this. We need to demand that science and education be funded and that our schools (particularly in the US) keep their costs down for future students.

That's my soapbox for the week. I hope this post has been enjoyable and caused [either of you] to have a quick think before going about your daily business.

Thanks for reading.